none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
