Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
