I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
