Fine. I'll sleep in my office
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
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i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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