mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
