I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
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Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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