I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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