cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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