His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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