would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
