I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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