I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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