Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
