I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
