I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
