my phone needs a breathalizer
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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