i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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