She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
