how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
