i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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