Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
