Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
