She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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