i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
