my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
