never play flip cup with pint glasses
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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