I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
