I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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