I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
