It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
