my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
