i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
