cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
True strength comes from lack of pants
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
