walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
