And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So many bounce houses so little time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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