meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I need a burrito and a hug.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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