I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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