Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
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this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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