at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
