On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
