I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
