I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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