I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
