Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
