im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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