If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
