I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
