I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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