There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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