Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
