I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
