I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
