If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
