my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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