Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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