Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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